Outer Relationships: The Local River
Part 4 of a Relational Being Series
The diagram above is far from literal. It is intended to indicate gradations in how close or distant our relating is to our world. As such, it connects to the previous post in this series which was concerned with the innermost, white ellipse. In addition, it serves as an approximate map for this article which will focus on the middle band (mauve) and the following two about the amber and pale blue ellipses. Each of these in turn increases in scale and in a kind of distancing from us.
In one sense this is tricky, since we are embedded in all of it, and equally close. You are as close in actual physical distance to your country as you are to your home since you can be in both at the same time. The difference being indicated is one of immediate impact and relevance to your daily existence. Your actions have more effect on those you live with or your work colleagues than they do on the city or the nation.
Just as your thoughts affect your body and biology, where we have no difficulty in recognising the proximity, your information field is more closely interconnected with those you interact with most. That may mean that a child who is on the other side of the world is as connected as one you live with. The Information Field does not operate on geographical distance. We are dealing here with some sense of degrees of engagement. That is not a precise concept, but it is good enough to work with.
Note, too, that with people the degree of engagement is bi-directional. It is not necessarily equal, though. You are not in charge of it either. Other people may be thinking about you and influencing your field more than you are affecting them. And other systems in the Field also have their impact. Consider the impact on your being from a change in your nation’s tax laws. Consider the amount of attention that may be engaged in an election or a company reorganisation.
As was stated when discussing how we relate to and through our bodies, life has its existence in the space of relationality. So that we don’t forget, I will keep repeating that this is where being and experiencing happen, and it remains true as we look at what surrounds us. I am inviting us to change the way that we operate in the world, and that means changing how we think about ourselves and about it.
We are still working here with the image of the river. Within the flows, there is the flow that is you and the flow that you are within. There are streams and eddies in the flow that are nearer to us, affecting us more strongly and more rapidly affected by our own movements. There are streams that are further away, but which are affecting the currents and ripples that are near to us. And there are flows that shape the whole river, the ones that have carved out the banks or scoured the depths. They may not change much or may only change slowly, but even so, they can bring changes to our own flow. Think perhaps of the world of disease ecologies in human populations and compare the effect on you of a new variety of the common cold to the impact of Covid.
The above is a preamble to some investigation of the more local fields that you may be engaged with. As we look at these examples, I will also draw attention to the difference between what we may be aware of and what we can affect. These are different aspects of our relating to the Field and if we want to operate effectively in the world, we need to understand the implications that has for us.
Family
How much does your family define you? What parts of your life continue to be shaped by their expectations, both stated and implied? The answers to such questions will vary widely. Comedies and dramas are filled with demanding mothers or mothers-in law, powerful heads of commercial dynasties. Such shows are popular precisely because we recognise them, perhaps as our own experience writ large or maybe with some gratitude – at least mine isn’t so bad.
Within the family, each relationship is distinct. Your siblings are not all the same. You may have a favourite grandma and another whom you avoid. Each of them has shaped us and may continue to do so. We may choose to stay close, or they may drive us to emigrate in self-protection.
Simultaneously, within the family there may be commonality – collective ways of being that you have been part of and which surface at every wedding, funeral or Thanksgiving. Does your family have complete allowance for you to be the person you choose to be? Does it have zero opinions and judgements about what you do, whom you marry and how you vote? In my imagination I don’t hear a loud chorus of “yes” to those questions. How about you?
The family system typically inhabits a place in the river that is in close proximity. Your influence on it, or lack of it, and its ongoing flows around and into you are likely to play a big part in who you are. So, I am inviting you to consider how that has been for you and how it shows up now.
What would you wish to change? Can you change it? Can you change how you respond to it? What would it take for you to do so, and what does the ease or difficulty that you perceive have to say about the strength of that part of your field?
Work
Many of us spend a lot of time at work. Even those of us who work remotely or run self-employed businesses have regular interactions with clients, suppliers, network connections and colleagues.
Each of these may have direct influence on who we are and what we choose. We may be influencing them, too. As previously, the influences may be overt, subtle or in the Field.
The sector in which you operate has its own habits and belief systems as well as processes and regulatory frameworks. Civil engineering is not the same as selling consumer goods. What have you taken on from their attitudes? What and whom are you accepting and aligning with, or maybe tolerating through gritted teeth? Are you the same person at work as at home, or are you shaping yourself to fit their template and expectations?
My various work environments have certainly shaped me, sometimes in ways I appreciate. Some were toxic and I learned how hard it may be to exit, as well as how essential to my well-being.
Possessions and Home
Does this heading surprise you? It may be less obvious than others, but what you own has an impact on your existence and much of it draws you into some kind of relationship. In quite a few cases you are possessed by them as much as them by you.
Most of what you own becomes an overhead. A lot of it requires maintenance. Things wear out or rust out and must be replaced. Even things that you don’t actively use take space to store. Devices consume electricity or need battery replacement. Thinking of them as objects, separate from us, is a partial truth. We imagine that they are a one-night stand and find that we are married to them.
Owning a house is a commitment that makes relocation a very big deal. The direct financial demands are obvious, but a larger home brings higher energy and upkeep costs. There is more to clean. Of course there are positives – space for family, the pleasure of a better environment, the room for hobbies. Compared with rental, you gain the freedom to make it what you want it to be.
Some of our possessions define us. Where we live can be a statement of identity. A car may be a functional choice, but years of advertising tell us that for many people they are more than that. They are public statements about how we want to be seen, and about our intended relationship with the world. They may also say things that we don’t like, about our unfulfilled aspirations and the gaps between how the world views us and how we see ourselves.
The point is not whether your choices are right or wrong – that is up to you. It is to be aware of the relational space that is involved and the two-way influences that show up in every one of them. You may have thought that you are in control. Is that as true as you have believed? Are there unforeseen consequences that arise in the relational space because we didn’t even see that they are there?
Finances
Is money important? To you? To the world? Here I need to condense into a few paragraphs what can easily be the subject of a whole book. In fact, I wrote one. It explores how our relationships with and feelings about money have shaped our world, caused its dysfunctions, and what it might take to change that, both from the inside and outside.
Whatever your personal feelings about the importance of money, you can’t deny that for most people it has a massive priority. Every election backs up that statement over and over again. How many politicians do you know who have promised you less or said that they won’t grow the economy? It can seem as if those are practical debates about reality. It can seem as if they are about big systems and that we are at the effect of them. Not so.
The truth is that collectively, we have built the system. It reflects human desires and emotions, our aspirations and fears. Humans have fear of lack and fear of loss. We may want to have power and control over our world, and we use money for that. We have impulses to create and build. We can be greedy and self-centred or we may feel we are victims to others who are.
We may want to care for others, who may be close like our families, or maybe where we have empathy or compassion at a global scale. We may believe that we have a duty to do so and feel shame or guilt that we do not. Now, we want to care for the planet and to stop causing damage, but don’t know how to bring that about and we think that can only be done by others who wield power that we ourselves lack.
All of the above operates in the relational space. Whether we can see it or not, we created the system as a reflection of who we are and we maintain it through our ongoing choices and attitudes. We want it to be different, but we don’t want it to change us. At the same time, we know that it must. We create shared myths that say we have 25 years to do so when the breakdowns are already happening. We are deeply conflicted at every level.
I have placed finances in this post about local relationships. That is because of our daily lives, and how our thinking about money shapes our personal choices. Equally, it is because our daily choices are affected by events in the world like sanctions, wars and tariffs, by migration patterns and by global systems such as currency fluctuations. Everything is connected.
The scale of those interconnections can make us feel powerless, unable to influence the future. That is not so – in fact, we are the only ones who can, because even those with power and control depend on us. The relational space is where we make that felt, but we will only do so when we ourselves change.
Are you ready for that? And what will it take?
Resources:
If you are looking for Organisational Development support, including Team and Leadership Development, there is information here. Click the button for an introductory call.
Find my books at:
The Science of Possibility: Patterns of Connected Consciousness
Your Access to Possibility: 7 Amazingly Simple Success Keys to Creating Your Life Consciously
7-Stage Parenting: How to Meet your Child's Changing Needs
Reinventing Capitalism: How We Broke Money and How We Fix it, From Inside and Out